I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
