I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
