My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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