Swine flu. Run for my life!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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