The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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