I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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