You're earring is so big in my mouth
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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