A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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