I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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