Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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