I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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