I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
