Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
thus making me awesome and them whores
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
