You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
