Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
