I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
whose parrot is this?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize