Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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