I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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