oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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