We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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