So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
