i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
