Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
