If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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