The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
