so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
