I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize