I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
