how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
