8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
