I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
