I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
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