there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
