this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
