I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
