he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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