why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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