i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize