My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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