You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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