you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize