mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
