I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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