i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
