If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
