I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize