This is not my ceiling
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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