wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
