You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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