gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
