Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
