maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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