saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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