There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
