Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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