This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I want her autograph on my taint
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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