so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize