We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
