Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
