bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
