he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
