she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
