Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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