Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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